It's not because I don't have time, I do actually. I think that sometimes the weight of life gets to be a bit too much for me and rather than escaping to my passion I let my worries take over. I don't typically share personal stuff on my blog but I've been thinking why would that not be OK? Most of the people who read my blog are friends who've always been so supportive and besides who would ever judge me for being honest about my feelings? I think that when we keep all these thoughts and worries inside us it only makes them worse. My husband told me once that his Mom used to have a cartoon on her fridge when he was a kid that said "worrying is like dying twice." Oh that is so true. I am a worrier... There I said it.
I think it started when I was a child because I had a very demanding mother who wanted things done exactly the way she wanted them done. I was given a lot of responsibility in caring for my young siblings when my parents divorced when I was 13. My mother worked nights, I was the Mom and all of those responsibilities fell on my shoulders while she was out of the house. I worried constantly about if I had completed the tasks she'd left me the way she wanted them done. I worried when I came home from school that day would she be mad or happy. Many times she was mad and I learned not to allow friends to come home with me. The one time I did, I regretted it forever and thankfully my friend was a real friend. She never told anyone at school what she witnessed that day she came home with me. We are still friends and I still love her for being so understanding and caring. I musty admit tho, finally I was able to share with someone what my life was like with my demanding mother and having someone to talk to about my life and struggles really set me free.
Sadly my mother and I don't have much to say to each other today. I have a lot of hurt over my childhood and she has a lot of anger towards me over my womanhood. She feels I mis- treated her and in many ways I still feel broken from her abuse. I'm working on letting it go but it won't happen anytime soon and neither will my worrying. I'm trying tho, and I guess sometimes to succeed you've got to first admit you failed.
So instead of letting my worries get to me, I am really going to make an effort to get in my studio and create more beyond my expected assignments from the teams I am so thankful to design for.
I have so many ideas that fill my head for projects and I really love the way crafting gives a certain feeling of peace. I think my life could use more peace right now. Scrapbooking has also given me the self confidence I didn't have as a girl. I know things won't change over night but realizing that sometimes things are out of my hands and letting go is good. I want to feel this weight I carry lift and I know with courage and the love I get from my sweet hubby, it will. I'll keep praying that our lives turn in a better direction and that my worries become a little less. Sheesh... it feels good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.